


Dear Jason

by Comicfan



Series: Unsent [2]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, not a main character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-08 10:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19868218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comicfan/pseuds/Comicfan
Summary: Alfred wanted Bruce to express himself in a healthy way and suggested a journal. Bruce tried but somehow he ended up writing to someone else instead.





	Dear Jason

**Author's Note:**

> The canon timing might be off. I put No Justice before the wedding because of the first issue print date.
> 
> I heard that King suggested that Dick was shot after HIC but that doesn't fit. Dick wasn't at Roy's funeral. He didn't show up when Donna and Garth were grieving in HIC. And he doesn't act upset before he's shot.
> 
> This was challenging as I don't think Bruce would express his feelings for long in a journal/letter. I didn't want to write him as a villain despite his behavior.

I still don't know what to write despite having Alfred pester me with this journal for a week. I never understood the appeal of writing down your inner most thoughts onto paper. I've tried it in the past but it always seemed like an open invitation for privying eyes. I said as much to Alfred when I was younger only to be told that no one cared to read about my brooding. Nevertheless I intend to destory the ~~evidence~~ journal after I filled it out. I promised Alfred I would fill in the entire book before I decided to forego them entirely.

I'm not sure what to write.

\-------

The stock went up five points after a brief lull.

\-------

It's been a week since I last wrote and Alfred is threatening to force me to cook for myself if I don't make a real attempt at filling out this journal. That's never a threat to be taken lightly.

I don't know why he thinks this will be a simple endeavor for me. I excell at writing reports, case files and speeches, not at this. 

\-------

Damian and I aren't on speaking terms. He claims my methods are antiquated and create more damage than they solve. It's a familiar arguement I've heard too many times to count. I wanted to see him to discussion the matter further but Dick insisted I "give him some space." Dick has been using that phrase for years with Tim and I know what he's implying. He told me once that I have a tendency to make things worse when I rush in to have a heart to heart. After some of my more unpleasant confrontations with Dick I see his point.

Neither of us handled our tempers well back then.

Selina thinks our marriage might make Damian feel further isolated. I will take Alfred and Dick's advise on the matter.

\------

Damian doesn't seem hostile towards Selina but he claimed no one cares about the wedding. I'll investigate further to see if there's an issue I'm overlooking.

\------

Alfred has suggested that I write entries addressed to the boys to better express my feelings. I see no need, it makes me feel ridiculous when I think of what that would entail. I'd fumble over the same sentences for hours wondering if I chose the right ones. I would dissect every variable of meaning and waste precious time navel gazing.

He claims it might help with my "emotional constipation" and the need for me to express myself in a healthy manner. Furthermore he thinks it doesn't need to be well thought out since the purpose is for me to vent.

"Emotions need to be expressed--in a productive way--or their find a more destructive way." It's one of his gentle reminders I always seem to struggle with.

\------

Tim has been more aloof lately, he spends more and more time away from Gotham. When I mentioned the wedding his lips thinned. It's one of the tells he has when he's upset about something. No matter what I said Tim would not tell me what was wrong. All he would say was that he had no problem with Selina. By default I suppose that means I'm the problem, although I have no idea what I did that upset him.

\------

I attempted to write to Tim only to stare at the blank pages for five minutes. I returned several hours later without any more clarity on how to take a pen and approach blank sheets of paper. I tried to write to Damain and had the same problem. A father should know what to say, I always remember mine being able to soothe away any trouble I faced. I realize I only saw him from the eyes of a child but I have known Alfred even longer. Alfred has raised me and guided me. He has never faltered while I constantly have. It's beyond frustrating, maddening even, to think of my own failings.

\-----

Jason didn't seem bothered by the wedding until I mentioned Tim. Unlike Tim it's usually easier to read Jason. He claimed that I had been ignoring Tim since he returned from his imprisonment. We argued over this for some time. The conversation took a turn when he made a sarcastic remark about me taking the time to tell the family of the engagement. I didn't see the problem since Alfred informed them and I never attempted to keep it a secret. He claims the problem is that I never consider them in general. How they weren't even allowed to be at the actual ceremony when I already explained why. 

I still remember what Jason said.

"It's not like you're really getting married, Bruce. If you were you'd do it legally. You're telling us that you aren't taking this seriously since you're not trying to figure out how to make it legal. If that's the case just show up in costumes. Let them be part of your big day."

He said let "them" as if he wasn't referring to himself as part of the family.

\------

I walked in on Tim and Dick arguing over the bachleor party. Tim had been out of town during the event, I reminded him of this. He said that Jason, Damian and him hadn't even been invited. I had no say in the planning, Tim knew this and blamed Dick. He stated there was no excuse since the party Dick had settled on was rather tame. He said it should have involved all of the males in my life. Except for Duke having previous plans this is basically true. Even so Dick had known I wanted a small party. He had just wanted to make me happy.

It only got worse when Tim informed Dick that only Alfred would be present at the actual wedding. I should have been the one to tell Dick, maybe he would have understood if I did. His crestfallen expression stayed on his face for the rest of the night.

\-----

I know I keep messing up with the boys but I will make it up to them. 

\-----

~~Selina left me~~

\------

~~How could he~~

~~He betrayed my trust~~

~~Jason shot Penguin.~~

\------

Jason,

We had an agreement, you could work in the city as long as you didn't kill. Was your distain for me so high that you thoughtlessly threw away everything that we worked towards? All the progress we made was swept away in one night, and for what? Did you have an endgoal in mind or was this some impulsive scheme you put together at the last second? What did you _think_ would happen when you stupidly chose to shoot him on live tv?

I warned you not to cross the line more than once. I _told_ you what would happen if you did. You asked me why I was reluctant to allow you to go undercover. **This** is why, you have no self control! You do whatever you please because you never think about the consequences of your actions! I trusted you, I vouched for you and you do this? Did you arrogantly believe I would look the other way? Maybe I did once with Felipé when I foolishly thought you were innocent but never again.

When I think about how flippantly you treated it--it's maddening--you really don't give a damn about any of it do you? It was just a damn game to you like it always is. You gamble with other lives then make jokes about it!

\------

Jason,

I spent far more time than any sane person should arguing with Oliver Queen today. I wanted him to be aware of Arsenal's actions in aiding and abetting a criminal. In hindsight I should have known the futility of confronting him. I'm sure you would have found it amusing to see the two of us shouting at each other. Ollie naturally threw the first punch when I was turning to show him the arrow Arsenal shot me with. We both accused the other of being a terrible mentor, among other things.

The man had the gall to laugh when I told him what Arsenal did. Ollie looked like he was proud that you brought Roy down to your level. He said I was just mad that Arsenal took me down a peg then suggested "you mind your own kid and stay the hell away from mine."

For now I'll follow that advise just to avoid dealing with Ollie but if Arsenal gets in my way again he's going down with you, Jason.

\------

Oswald Cobblepot survived, Jason.

It was all for nothing.

\------

Jason,

It hasn't been that long since that terrible night. Everyone is under the impression that we fought and Roy took me out. They believe the two of you have retreated until things cool down. No one except Alfred seems to grasp the severity of the situation. While Cassandra can read me she isn't aware of the context. Dick is always at my side attempting to lighten the mood. Tim and Damian are spending more time out side of Gotham.

Alfred hasn't strung more than five words together at a time since yesterday. That was when he finally got around to tending to one of my suits. The inspection had been oddly quiet without his usual dry remarks. It was just the two of us alone in the cave as Dick had turned in for the night. I remember typing away on a case file when I was suddenly struck by a sense of wrongness. His back was turned to me when I called out to him. 

He was staring at the cape in his hands, as I approached I could see he was shaking. Sadly this in it's self isn't out of the norm for us. Quite often he's struck with the realization of how dangerous the mission is when he discovers near misses. Recently we started using a new type of protective cape in the field. It's supposed to keep liquids from clinging to the material after Scarecrows toxics were spilled in a previous incident. But it wasn't a new cape in his hands. For a moment I feared Alfred had accidently been harmed by something the older version had soaked in it's material.

Alfred suddenly asked where the blood had come from, we both knew I hadn't been injured recently. I couldn't recall any blood, not until I saw your case staring accusingly at me. When I looked back his face was unreadable, he asked for confirmation that it was your blood.

I didn't reply. I couldn't. I didn't know what to say. He kept asking until I finally admitted we fought. He already knew that of course but this was the first time I confirmed it. I am sadly well accustomed to Alfred's anger and disappointment. I prepared myself for cutting remarks, shouting and even threats of his termination. For a moment he stared at me as if he hadn't comprehended my words. Without breaking eye contact he asked me if you were still alive.

He actually thought I might have killed you.

I floundered, barely able to even ask Alfred how he could think such a thing. In response he stepped into the light to show me the stains on the material. All of us including Alfred know about blood patterns and the story they tell. The story was quite...extensive.

Alfred has barely said anything since and his eyes are usually blood shot when he appears.

~~I didn't think I hurt you th~~

\------

Dick has been shot.

He will live but we don't think he will regain his memories.

Maybe it's better if he doesn't.

\-----

Jason,

There's so many unanswered questions that I don't know where to start. You know that I can't accept something at face value, I need facts to back up everything. I'm a man of logic at my core, I need order to function. I suppose that is why I struggle so much when it comes to you. I know you're Jason Todd I just don't know how that's possible. I don't understand how you were able to return and I don't think you do either.

I know Talia was involved but I also that she was not the one who took you out of your grave. I've overheard how miraculous the Al Ghuls inner circle finds you. Naturally the ancient Ras Al Ghul longs to know how you managed to cheat death too.

In some ways I still consider you dead. I know how that sounds but it can't be helped after years of thinking you were gone and then not comprehending how you returned. At times my mind still struggles to connect the small boy I knew with the tall young man I barely know. Maybe that's why I lost control after you shot Penguin.

I don't know at this point.

I held your cold dead body in my arms and felt no pulse. Yet I also saw you grown and watched the heart monitor confirm you're alive. I need answers but just like with Felipé I'm afraid of what I'll find. When left unchecked that fear consumes me, I lash out. I know it's a vicious and unfair cycle. I just can't seem to break it no matter how hard I try.

Yes, I briefly died as did Damian (though he stayed dead longer) but I understand those processes better. There's no great elusive mystery to solve. I can't say the same about you.

Last night I found a body, an apparent suicide, in an abandoned apartment in Crime Alley. He matched your build and coloring. I didn't want to check his face, I thought I was going to see your eyes staring back at me.

I can't stop thinking that one day I will see you like that. 

Yet I can't stop feeling uneasy over your resurrection and what it means when death loses it's grip of someone. There are too many questions that I'm not certain if I will or even should answer.

I do see a pattern forming: Selina left, Dick is now free to be someone else, Damian is disappointed in me and Tim is ignoring Gotham.

Just keep away, Jason. I'm poison and this way you might finally be free. 

\-----

Jason,

The burden of a great responsibility was on my shoulders and I shrugged. You might find that a tad pretentious, at this point I'd welcome any biting comments you have. Heroes, friends, comrades...they're dead. In a place they were supposed to feel safe.

Sanctuary was meant to be a place of healing just for us. It was meant with the best intentions to help those that risk their lives for others. I insisted on no outside personnel since I had become distrustful of mental health professionals like Strange and Quinn. I know there are those that would exploit our darkest secrets.

Diana was reluctant as her people had a more open way to deal with the process. Clark was slightly more open due to his knowledge of programs his people had created on Krypton. We should have put more safeguards in place. Done more check ups to see how Sanctuary was being run.

Clark arrived first, I heard who's bodies he had found yet my mind refused to believe it. I suspected Clark had purposely not informed me about one particular body. When I saw Wally I felt relief followed quickly by shame. As nonsensical as it sounds I assumed you were with Roy. After what happened I thought he would have ~~wanted to get you help~~ stayed by your side.

I heard that Ollie was furious with me because of Sanctuary but I've been trying to stay focused on solving this crime. Barry is assisting me and much like Ollie I can sense hostility although he hides it better. I note inconsistencies with the crime scene and Barry is likewise left baffled. I know you have to be informed about Roy soon. While I would like to delay the meeting given our last parting I know I can't. I don't want you to be caught off guard by your friends' death. Especially if you hear about it from an enemy in the field.

This tragedy brought Damian and Kate to the cave. They wanted to help but at present we are limiting the people involved in this case. Alfred has been assisting me with things to say, I know he fears what I'll do when we meet. I assured him, as I plan on assuring you, that I'm not being ruled by my anger. I don't know how you'll handle the news and fear that you'll do something drastic. While I do wish Alfred would come with me as he is far more useful in dealing with grief I know it's my responsiblity. I don't want to fail you again, Jason. Nevertheless I have to be sure you're aware of what happened and don't do something we'll all regret.

\-----

Jason,

Our meeting didn't go the way I thought it would.

You look like you lost some weight since I saw you last. You got your hair cut, it's the style I believe Dick called "trauma hair" (which is ironic as it's the same cut he currently wears.) I noticed that you're more rash in your fighting style, more emotional and reckless. Previously you'd be able to take out the whole diner with barely any effort in a hand to hand fight.

I knew we'd have to talk about what happened. You had to have known you couldn't return to Gotham after what you did. If you can't follow the rules you can't stay in my city. Were you surprised that Penguin surivied? You couldn't even look me in the eye after I told you that it still counted. You broke your promise. Are you angry that you couldn't get away with it? I'm already making an effort by not taking you in, yet you still act like a petulant child because you didn't get your way.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out better but you have no one to blame for your actions but youself. I regret things got that far but I don't appreciate you acting like you're blameless.

Despite that unpleasant exchange I think it went well. I'm glad Alfred and I went over how I'd break the news before I left. I wanted to get it right. It was important to me that I did it right, you deserved that much. I just wish it didn't happen after everything else. I don't think you're handling you're grief well. I know I'm hardly one to talk but you basically shrugged it off after the shock and brief anger. Do you think Roy is going to resurface in a few months? Are you in denial? You aren't even planning on seeking revenge on the killer--at least not yet.

I'm no good in these matters. I try but I know it's a shortcoming. The hug felt like a goodbye and I can't let that stand. I believe Kate is investigating a case, perhaps she could check up on you. Just to see how you're doing.

\-----

Jason,

For once I'm glad Dick (or Ric as he's currently going by) can't remember the past. I don't know how he'd handle the loss of Roy and what happened to Wally. None of us know how to handle it. Barry blames me for Sanctuary not being able to help his nephew. I know he blames himself too.

I'm hoping that now that we know the truth that you will remember that Roy and the others' deaths were accidents. Please don't make this worse for yourself and others. Let it go.

\-----

Jason,

I had hoped that you would have learned from your mistakes, but it seems that you like doubling down on your problems. I don't believe for a moment that you had nothing to do with Penguin's disappearance. You expect me to believe anything you say after you shot him? You undid your legal status just to escape punishment!

You stood there in his office looking entirely too pleased with yourself. Thinking you're above the law and my reach. The smugness has always rubbed me the wrong way and you know that. You love getting under my skin when you should know better. I lost control again, my temper got the better of me and I said things I shouldn't have. I know that. For now you won, Jason. But I know you are going to slip up soon.

\-----

Jason,

I heard some interesting things in connection to you although I don't know what it all means. Yet. Rumor has it that Penguin was seen fleeing the city recently. Around the same time Suzie Su and her sisters took over ownership of the Iceberg from you. What are you playing at?


End file.
